Compromise is for Babies
When couples and individuals come to therapy to strengthen their relationships, I frequently hear about how folks can struggle to get on the same page with their partners on both smaller and larger issues. Often what follows from the client is “I wish we knew how to compromise” or “we just need to settle on a compromise.” I typically get a reaction of surprise and laughter when I say in return that compromise is for babies.
Though my wording is tongue in cheek and provocative, the sentiment is serious. Compromise is a tool we begin to learn as young children when we are figuring out how to get along with others. At that point in development, compromise means taking turns. Though it’s important to know how to compromise and take turns, this is only an early step in learning empathy and how to create space and understanding for others in relationships. When helping couples and individuals navigate conflict in their relationships, I believe closeness is a much more powerful and complex tool that creates longer lasting and more satisfying resolutions than compromise.
Compromise Covers up Differences Instead of Engaging with Them
All couples, as much as they may have in common with each other, will discover all kinds of differences as they grow to know the other better. Compromise is often a tempting solution when these differences arise, but ultimately can act as more of a band aid covering up the differences rather than a satisfying and lasting resolution.
A lot of couples can have disagreements over things like money where one person feels comfortable spending more freely and the other more frugal and focused on saving. If compromise is the solution for this couple, they might not dig into why each holds their attitude towards money and decide that the solution is a compromise in the middle: the spendier partner learns to spend less and the more frugal partner agrees to tolerate more spending than might be ideal for them. On the surface this seems logical and fair; however, can easily lead to resentment over time when the spendier partner feels restrained and the frugal partner feels pressured and pushed.
Conflict is an Opportunity to Become Closer to your Partner
In couples therapy, I would push this spendy/frugal couple to go deeper than deciding a compromise on numbers. Instead, I would want to know much more. What kind of culture around money did they grow up with in their family of origin? Does either partner have trauma around money? Do they have a difference in socioeconomic status in their families of origin? What are their separate values and goals around money? Do they have significant differences in income now?
If the couple takes the time to learn more about their partner’s history and relationship to money, they have the power to be motivated by empathy and increased closeness to their partner to determine a solution. With greater knowledge about themselves and their partner, they can build a new culture around money together.
Perhaps, in this example, the frugal partner has trauma from parents who were irresponsible with money. The spendier partner understanding that it’s about safety for their partner rather than monitoring and restraining them can feel motivated out of care for their partner to be thoughtful about their expenses, and the frugal partner with reassurance and thoughtfulness from the spendier parter has the potential to relax more and be less vigilant about money if they can feel assured their partner is being thoughtful rather than reckless. Together they can deepen their trust in each other and decide intentionally about their financial future and their priorities based on shared values, which is a much more lasting and satisfying result than compromise.
Conflict will always arise as we will always be bumping up against something we don’t know enough about in our partners, but when couples master using closeness rather than compromise, they can be empowered to find satisfying and empathic solutions as a team.
